Lawendism

Bright Flight

2026-06-04T22:25:48Z

Notes

Tracklist

Serpent by Clive Cussler

2026-06-04T22:25:48Z

Review

Found this one in a local catholic church's little library. I been feeling a little overwhelmed recently, but habits are holy rituals that we must cultivate. Keeping the habit & reading trash garbage is way better than not reading anything at all.

This is some sort of action novel indiana jones nathan drake find the maguffin type beat. The writing is focused on suspense and it's playful & classy when it needs it. It honestly drew me in way better than I was expecting. Been a while since I've gotten sucked into a book like this. Right from the start, the prologue has this wonderful sequence...

[!info]- prologue spoilers
...of a collision of two ships. Cussler descibes the decision making of the character in the navigation room, making orders, checking radar pings, doing ship math. There's much talk of knots, and speed, and weight, and the contents of each vessel, but it's all spread throughout in a way that didn't overwhelm me. Many characters enter & exit the reader's view. Cussler builds suspense by creating a disparity between the concern of the navigator, & the true danger of the situation. Maybe I just don't read much of this type of novel, but I found it to be very well paced.

also there certainly seems to be a focus on attractiveness in people. Sometimes Cussler will spend an entire paragraph or more descibing appearances of characters in detail.

[!quote]
“She slipped out of the oversized T-shirt. The floral bikini she wore underneath revealed a strong, long-legged body nearly six feet tall.”

SUP Template

2026-06-04T22:25:48Z

I Remember Me

2026-06-04T22:25:48Z

Lyrics

He almost walked into a wall
Oh, man, she was a sight to see
And at the party down the hall
He said, "you are the highest apple in the tree"

Out the window, in the harbor, he saw a little ship
The moon was worn just slightly on the right
And they slow danced so the needle wouldn't skip
Until the room was filled with light

And I remember you
And I remember me
The sunshine walking inside you
And the man you could see in me
So I remember me
And I remember you
So many beautiful days in a row now
And the nights were perfect, too

Hand in hand down a waterslide in Chattanooga
They did not hide from love, you see
A winter's plane flight to Aruba
Where he threw a boombox into the sea

One day, they were cutting flowers for something to do
On the bank of the road 'neath the cotton woods
And he turned to her to ask if she'd marry him
When a runaway truck hit him where he stood

So I remember you
And I remember you
And I remember you
(do do do do do do)
And I remember me
And I remember me
A blackhawk nailed to the sky
And the tape hiss from the trees

Everybody said she needed to move on
That he was all but lost, so deep was his coma
When he finally came to, the girl he loved was long gone
She'd married a banker and gone to Oklahoma

He bought a little land with the money from the settlement
And even bought the truck that had hit him that day
He touched the part where the metal was bent
And if you were there, you wouldn't hear him say

I remember her
And I remember him
I remember them
I remember then
I'm just rememberin’
I'm just rememberin’
Just rememberin’
I'm just rememberin’

Spring Unsprawling Backwards

2026-06-04T22:25:48Z

Hamnet, Obsession, Art & Death

2026-06-04T22:25:48Z

by Lewa ~ <3

[!warning] Spoilers!
I truly believe that I could not spoil the experience of watching this film with words, so I will not pretend to avoid such a thing. If you actually give a shit about watching or reading Hamnet, now is your warning!

It’s not finished

Hamnet is a really good story, and an excellent movie. I didn’t read the book, although, the book’s author; Maggie O’Farrel was an executive producer for the film. I find that the way it portrays Shakespeare as a human first, and an artist second is so important to the message of Shakespeare.

He finds it difficult to talk to his lover, Agnes. He paces back and forth, because he does not know how to say what he feels.

“What are you looking at?”
“You.”
“Why?”
“-I...”
"I thought you were a man of words, master tutor."
“Yes.”
”Are you not?”
“Speaking with people is sometimes difficult for me.”

He’s me.

Their love story progresses, and then one night, Agnes is stirred awake by William writing late into the night. He is visibly upset and very drunk. She asks him to read it to her,

"Perhaps when it's finished, it will..."
"Perhaps when it's finished."

”Why don’t you read me what you’ve written?

"Agnes, it's not finished. It's not finished, it's not finished."

Those three words haunt me. That shot of William Shakespeare fumbling around in the dark, losing his fucking mind, screaming & banging on the table amidst the frustration of trying to string together scraps of paper into something that makes any sense is seared into my skull.

Finalizing a project is scary, and you have to stop creating eventually. So you can move on to the next thing. But the period of transition from working to not working on a piece of art is terrifying. You've put so much work into saying what you want to say in the way you want to say it. What if nobody understands? What if you're stuck feeling this feeling alone forever? You want it to be presentable, you want it to make sense, be accessible, approachable, interesting, blah blah blah. Whatever your parameters, you must choose to start cutting corners eventually. The magic only happens when it's done.

This artistic obsession with perfection has pushed some of the greatest artists of all time to create truly great art, but it does come with a price. You may work for a decade or a week. Either way, the artist must be done eventually, and the artist must be ready to let go when the time comes.

Obsession

“You’re caught by that place.”

“What place?”

“That Place in your head. It’s now more real to you than anywhere else. Not even the death of our child can keep you from it.”

Jessie Buckley may as well have looked directly into the camera while delivering those last two lines. This is what it feels like to recede into yourself. To feel as though the world is blind to your pain, and even if the world could see it, it wouldn’t care. You feel alone with your pain, you wander in circles in your own mind, trying to make sense of it. And the worst part? The wandering never does make it make sense, all it really accomplishes is to make you more alone.

Drink of this potion

In the story of Hamnet, Shakespeare’s answer to this is of course, the play: Hamlet. I mean, how do you explain to your grieving wife who is mad at you because your son died that you do in fact also feel her pain in a different way? He’s created an artistic fortress that’s become a trap, not just from the world, but also from Agnes. He can’t express how he feels directly, so he’s stuck with finishing the damn thing himself.

In an attempt to cope, William had created isolation from someone he really loves; all because of the sudden, traumatizing death of his son. Agnes did everything she could to keep Hamnet alive. She used every witches spell & herb she knew of to save him. It wasn’t enough, Hamnet died in pain. & without William to support her, she became angry.

The final act of the film is entirely Agnes’s reaction to this play William has created. As the people funnel into the playhouse, foreboding trumpets scream of the danger that awaits Agnes. In the opening moments, Anges cries out & yells @ the actors, who expertly ignore her. She is shushed, and berated by the others in the opera house. We watch over the course of roughly 27 minutes as the the play slowly diffuses Agnes. There’s one line that gets downright accusatory. Hamlet takes the king’s goblet after stabbing him in the back & screams at the top of his lungs: ”Here! Thou incestuous murderous, damnded dane. Drink of this potion! Is thy union here? Follow my mother.” We get a shot of bewilderment & shock as Agnes realizes the pain she’s put her family through.

The rest is silence.

Hamlet then realizes that the poison is within him as well. He lurches onto the ground, screaming in agony, within arm’s reach of Agnes. ”The potent poison quite o’ercrows my spirit.”

...then something special happens. Anges, with tear-soaked cheeks reaches out, to hold Hamlet’s hand. Hamlet’s actor then looks at her in awe, takes her hand and lets the moment linger. The others in the pit join her, reaching out for the man who’s about to die. To let him know that he will be missed, to let him know that it’s okay. A room full of people, so immersed and moved by this make-believe story that they all truly do mourn for a person who isn’t even really there. Hamlet’s actor raises his hands to the heavens while knelt before the crowd. He sheds a tear, looks Agnes in the eyes & delivers the final line.

”The rest is silence.”

The dreaming is not just a thing we do for fun, it’s why we are what we are. We are the creatures that remember, the creatures that hurt, the creatures too big for our britches.

The dreaming has the power to mend our deepest scars, to break down our inner fortresses, to help us find our way in the night. But we must learn to let go, to forget everything so we can remember what matters, to hide so we can yearn, to wander so that we might be found. At the bottom of all our problems is always this stupid stupid idea that we’ve held onto for far too long. And when someone finally convinces us to drop it & we let go, we find out that we never needed it to begin with.

Throughout the creation of Spring Unsprawling Backwards, the themes of Hamnet have driven me. You don’t know what you’re capable of til you really push yourself. That great work only becomes real through the power of will, and on willpower alone the art stands. So then, what do you do when it’s done? What’s left of you when you’ve poured all of you into something else? When the sky turns dark & the night comes, and everything you’ve ever done fades to the black of the dreaming once again?

Well, what else is there to do but rest in the quiet?

David Berman Totally Rules

2026-06-04T22:25:48Z

[!warning] Warning!
Your mental health is important to me, hence why I’m writing this essay. I’ll cover topics like mental illness & suicide, please take care of yourself & stop reading if u need to, thx!
Lewa ~ 💚

Someone Else’s Loneliness Made Me Feel Less Alone

By Lewa ~ 🥀

”The sunshine walking inside you”

I’ve found a great deal of respect for poetry this past year. In truth, I respected it all along. I’d just forgotten about it for a few unbearable moments. Of course it was always the words that would drag me back to reality, kicking & screaming, saying something truer than truth with precision vocabulary & beauty.

It was early summer, and I was about to drive to a nursing home for my first job out of high school on a random morning. I put on this weird album titled "Purple Mountains". Whatever combination of words came out of the melon the night previous; it was enough to convince 19 yr old me to give it a go. The words on the first song grabbed a hold of my mind and didn’t let go.

[!quote]
”I don't like talkin' to myself,
but someone's gotta say it, hell
I mean, things have not been going well,
This time I think I've really fucked myself.

You see, this life I live is sickenin'
I spent a decade playin' chicken with oblivion
Day & day and neck & neck I'm givin' in
I'm the same old wreck I've always been.”

I can sing this song by heart. I have a memory of a thought like "This guy killed himself cause he was so sad, & I feel exactly like what he's putting down." It was honestly a wake up call. Suffice it to say, I listened to that album a lot that summer. If I end up in one of those nursing homes I was working @ that year, the CNAs are gonna have a few real perplexing months while the dementia starts ripping out wires. Berman’s work has stayed with me like a child that won't let go of your hand. It's easy to see why his fanbase is so reverent, especially after his tragic death.

Suicide

I still remember the exact moment when I found out. I was listening to Purple Mountains while driving to work for a week. I was driving my friend home as per usual and he was reading the youtube music album description automatically pulled from wikipedia. My heart sank, I remember thinking all week that I literally couldn't wait til he'd release more music so I could listen to that too. I remember mourning not just him, but the words he could no longer write, the songs he could no longer sing, the poetry that would never be born. Just like the rest of his fans, I'd wanted him to get better & take care of himself & love himself & write because he was happy. Instead, we got an unbearably beautiful suicide letter.

Berman’s songs seem cluttered in a menagerie of sad emotions. He feels like he’s not enough for his wife, he dislikes his voice, he can’t find an escape from a chronic sadness that follows him around. For much of his later life, up until his death, he struggled with these insecurities alongside a cloud of personal demons til his suicide in 2019. And there was no clearer sign of how he felt than the lyrics on Purple Mountains.

[!quote]
”...the end of all wanting
Is all I've been wanting
And that’s just the way that I feel”

[!quote]
”She kept it burning longer than I had right to expect
The light of my life is going out tonight
Without a flicker of regret”

[!quote]
”If no one’s fond of fucking me,
maybe no one’s fucking fond of me,
yeah maybe, I’m the only one for me.”

I'd just like to say a little something if that's okay. I won't pretend that I'm immune to suicide, in fact, I think it's becoming increasingly appealing considering the world on fire and all that. But might I suggest that even in suicidality, there truly is hope? I know that it's rough, and I don't know specifically what you've been through. But I am no stranger to pain. I think that suicidal ideation is perhaps even a rational response to extreme emotional pain. Only you can fight to live your life, no one else can! Therapy does not need to be this expensive thing, you can work on your mental health without having to pay a therapist money once a week, it's just that a good one usually helps. I am not telling you to endure your hurt, but if it's the hurt you're worried about, there are solutions. Please do seek them out, please fight for the healthiest you that you can. The best days I've ever had were when I woke up first thing in the morning and I made that choice.

I really like David Berman 🧍‍♀️

I have to be careful, because I feel like unpacking anything he's ever written is just not worth the time as compared to just telling you it's the shit, & encouraging you to listen to a playlist or American Water or whatever. As for me, I'm just gonna try my best to describe to you a list of my personal favs, shotgun style.

Storyline fever is centered around some wonderful wordplay discussing the nature of selfishness, and anger and the lies we’ll tell ourselves to justify it. Send In The Clouds is a banger & includes a line I’m quite partial to; "Windex tears rolled down the robot's face/He'd never felt a mother's embrace." “Like Like The The Death” is perhaps the most nonsensical and simultaneously sad bit of poetry I've ever encountered. “Long Long Gone” contains what is mayhaps his most profound statement he's ever published; “Everybody knows that I know what’s going on / & if cars could run on teardrops, I’d be long long gone.” I Remember Me is a tragic love story that sent shivers down my spine upon a first listen while high in a bathtub. “Aloysius, Bluegrass Drummer” is the story of a Bluegrass drummer named Aloysius. “Honk If You're Lonely” is a genuinely fun & playful little tune at the end of American Water, and yet it still resonates Berman's motifs so strongly. “That's Just The Way That I Feel” is fucking heartbreaking, and absolutely the kind of song I'd put at the beginning of an album if I was planning on dying soon. I remember agreeing with every word I heard upon first listen. “Blue Arrangements” has a kickass chorus, objectively.

Berman Established a Connection Through Loneliness

I’ve yet to come across a synopsis or description of Berman or his work that didn’t acknowledge his undeniable ability to find the prettiest words for the ugliest emotions. Throughout much of Berman’s life, he clearly struggled with some intense ones, to be sure. Perhaps it's his perspective of disconnection juxtaposed to his obvious adoration & tragic death, whatever the case, we love Berman because we all feel alone. It’s like, the thing everyone feels one way or another. Hell, it may as well be the thing that makes us human! I can’t say I’ve encountered a piece of art he’s worked on that didn’t at least leave a passion mention.

When I read Berman’s lyrics, I see someone who’s scared to even seek connection, someone who tells themselves they aren’t enough, someone who’s insides are too ugly to be shown, someone who just had an argument and is confused why anyone would yell about anything at all, someone who doesn’t have a symbol to attach these feelings to. I’ll allow y’all to speak for yourselves, but for me, this man has become that voice. That solid symbol of loneliness that I know is always there. I find a great deal of comfort in that. It means that I’m not alone in this world, there really are other people that know me. Berman’s career might seem like a playlist of emo indie rock greatest hits. But to me, I’ll remember how sad and lonely I know he felt, because I felt it too.

~ Lewa 💚

[!Quote]
”Art is not for fixing yourself,
it is for showing others that you’re broken so they might feel less alone.”
-Exurb1a

Sublimina Syndrome

2026-06-04T22:25:48Z

An excerpt from my diary I wrote right after finishing:

[!quote]
”It is absurd how much we hate ourselves and eachother. It’s so cruel how much those emotions that we refuse to let go of trap us inside of ourselves, unable to see the beauty of life itself. I'm just happy to have been.”

Sublimina Syndrome is a wonderful book full of characters that reflect a uniquely imaginiative, imperfect -some might even say; Exurbian!-- - perspective. I think that’s sort of the point Exurb1a is trying to hammer home. We live & breathe & experience the beauty and magic of existence & the world asks us to give it up. Like a card from a magician. It’s no wonder that life makes us go insane. Insanity is the only response to any of this that really makes any sense.

Exurb1a explores these Ideas in 5 short stories, with a loose narrative about a space fable of a group called “The Big Sisters.” They created objects that made people insane, & then they left, & nobody knows where --or why!-- they went. In a second channel video Exurb1a mentions Cloud Atlas, and how much of an influence it had on him. You’d have to close your eyes to not notice similarities.

[!warning]- Minor spoilers below!
While there was one story that I was not particularly fond of, the sci-fi was certainly amazing and worth the price of reading it alone. Perhaps I was missing something, but it was just a romance that felt forced to me. As if someone who doesn’t know what love is sat in a hole & tried to write about it, which is sort of how it feels. I mean, who talks to someone in the past & drinks alcohol with them til they’re sloshed every night and falls in love? It seems to me a strange dynamic to frame a love story, and it certainly didn’t feel very authentic, personally. That being said, I’m a huge fan, and I do genuinely believe that I might not be doing whatever the fuck this is right now if it wasn’t for him. The ending made me cry.

So you're having an existential crisis

2026-06-04T22:25:48Z

Review

Made me cry like a baby @ the end. I’ve got to go over my notes on it, cuz it’s been a bit, and I would certainly like to retain more of the information in that one than I have.

Notes

Psychology & Religion

2026-06-04T22:25:48Z

Piranesi

2026-06-04T22:25:48Z

Review

Delightful, and interesting throughout. I related to the main character quite a bit. A sense of losing one’s identity in a harsh and lonely environment can be emotionally paralyzing, and for brief moments in Piranesi, you can see that fracturing occur in extremely relatable and human ways.

Men who hate women & the women who love them

2026-06-04T22:25:48Z

Liber Indigo

2026-06-04T22:25:48Z

HouseOfLeaves

2026-06-04T22:25:48Z

Review

Notes

Hermitage Discussion

Fahrenheit 451

2026-06-04T22:25:48Z

Exurb1a mentioned this in his first video on what he calls “catastrotivity.” Exurb1a defines this as a recognition that enjoyment of art is subjective, & a realization that you cannot please everyone. So you may as well make whatever you really wanna make. It seems no conincidence that he mentions why he makes art and listened to Ray Brabury’s legendary Farenheit 541. He mentioned having downloaded the audiobook, and sat in a park, and listening to that audiobook in the park til it was finished.

And I thought: what a wonderful thought, I may as well download the audiobook myself, the digital hoarder I am. And sure enough, I did go to a conservation area, and I did in fact listen to this audiobook all day til I am sat here @ 9:23PM.

Wow, just wow.

In the version I got my hands on today; there’s an afterword talking about book censorship, art, and the state of the world’s reaction to 451. This was honestly such a breath of fresh air that I needed more than anything. I love philosophy, I love writing, I love psychology, but I love poetry most of all. Playful & provocative, kind & strange, daring & content. This novel is full of dancing words & interesting dialogue & I cannot think of a more wonderful way to write anything, but especially a book about man who burns books for a living. I don’t know who read this version, but he did a fuckkiin’ fantastic job, holy hell.

~ Lewa 💚

Bone

2026-06-04T22:25:48Z

Bone

You’d have to be blind to not appreciate the frolicking imagination of Jeff Smith’s modern epic. It had been a while and I got my hands on a set of copies and devoured the whole thing in less than a month. Bone is the kind of story structure that makes me yearn for stories like it. Much of Bone is calm, letting the beauty of the landscape of a valley enchant you, & then it will tell a joke so stupid that it will stick with you til the next time you read it decades later. Jeff Smith is a master, and this story has so much to say. I hope it’s celebrated for decades to come.

Dreaming

The metaphor of the dreaming as a life force that sort of surrounds us as a miasma, an earthly hum. The eternal now, vibrating in and around all of us. The mountain animal children speak about it in Roque Ja call it the hum. The Veni-Yan have dedicated themselves to understanding this hum, and have found ways of navigating the dreaming. And I think that dreaming is such a perfect magic system. Magic is not turning water into wine, not lead into gold, nor a fancy card trick. Magic is the recognition that we are made of symbols. Symbols of people, places, jobs, experiences, summers lazily reading in the sun. You would have a perfect understanding of the you that is you if you were to just lay your head down & dream. That is where the world inside your own mind can soar to new heights & explore new depths. Cultivate that dreaming mind, because you need it more than it needs you.

Rose

I must also mention Rose, the prequel book written by Smith & illustrated by Charles Vess, who I’m inclined to check out. The art and tone of this is without the Bone creatures, and much less silly. It’s grim, dark, brooding, hungry. The gore fits so well, & the story structure of a young hero going to kill a dragon is just so picturesque and unique at the same time that I can’t help but be obsessed. It’s a beautiful book, and it’s by far the most striking part about the Bone series to me. It gives us a window into this world outside of the perspective of a cartoon character. Rose is much less playful, although the playfulness of the dreaming has always been there & always will.

Addictive Thinking

2026-06-04T22:25:48Z

First Edition

The thumbnail is a lie, I’ve only read the first edition, published in the year of our lord, 1990. It was a surprisingly easy read for a psych book. I suppose you could argue that Twerski is only has an MD, and not a psychology degree, & therefore his easy to read words are worthless. I’d say that’s wrong. I think that Twerski’s understanding of addiction holds true. Addiction is layered, and brought about by lies we tell ourselves. Loops we stumble into, and cannot seem to escape. Addiction is attached to many ideas in mental illness. Healthy social habits, work-life balance, self respect, codependency. This book really helped me identify patterns that I could improve on, and showed me just how much more learning I have to do. I’ve got a second edition in the mail, and I’m gonna have to take notes on it, so I will be updating this.

2026 Reading List

2026-06-04T22:25:48Z

I want to read 20 books by the end of the year if I can help it, Sublimina syndrome technically don’t count, because I finished it before the new year, but I didn’t read ANY books in 2025, so quite frankly; I think I’m cool with either hitting 20 while counting it, or hitting 21. who knows how many I can read!!

Currently Reading

Psychology & Religion

Author: Carl Jung

Serpent by Clive Cussler

Author: Clive Cussler

HouseOfLeaves

Author: Mark Z. Danielewski

Men who hate women & the women who love them

Author: Susan Forward

Finished

Addictive Thinking

Author: Abraham Twerski

So you're having an existential crisis

Author: Ben Thomas

Author: Exurb1a

Author: Jeff Smith

Author: krkwd

Author: Ray Bradbury

Author: Susanna Clark

Ritualism may save your life

2026-06-04T22:25:48Z

Tools are metaphysical objects of power, they are conduits through which one manifests their will upon the world. But it still takes time and effort, which are perhaps the most simple tools created by our psychology. If you feel like you can’t find the willpower to exert time and effort into something -- (even if you really wanna do it! -- then let me suggest the tool of ritual.

As Alan Watts and many others have put it, you are not a what, you are a behavior. It’s all a dance, energy in motion. In contemporary western culture we like to think of objects as solid things. But, I mean, look at the state of things, materialism & capitalism have molded us into apathetic dregs. So, lets have a look at China; Chinese philosophy is old, & over the years, the creme has floated to the surface. I found a stunning quote attributed to the anthropologist David Kertzer about the Confucian ritual, Li, which is still practiced today!

[!quote]
”The Confucian philosophers understood that rulers should always avoid giving commands, for commands, being direct and verbal, always bring to mind the possibility of doing the opposite. According the Chuang Tsu: “But since rituals are nonverbal, they have no contraries. They can therefore be used to produce a harmony of wills and actions without provoking recalcitrance. If a man finds himself playing his appointed part in li (ritual), and thus already, as if it were de facto, in harmony with others, it no more occurs to him than it occurs to a dancer to move to a different rhythm than that being played by an orchestra.“

We must accept that while we are human, and humans are capable of greatness; we are also still finite and have limits, and the world we live in has a rhythm. Everyone will find a different rhythm that works for them, because we’re all thrown into completely different contexts, even parents and children often find conflict in the differing contexts of their lives. It is pragmatic to be adaptive, to flow like water, to reverberate like air. Only once we accept our place --no matter how shitty it is-- can we then use that placement as the fertile soil to plant seeds.

Go, learn and grow and change your behavior through small, incremental tweaking. Understand that making big changes starts with little ones. Make configuring your daily toolbox a ritual in itself, find those behaviors that align with your goals, and if it proves to not work, tweak it. All tools are modifiable, you are capable of making anything, including the tools to make tools to make other tools, such as ritual itself! With this framework, you can apply learning and mechanisms at scale, and in doing so, you can truly get anything done.

References

Quote found from: Debate and the Ritual Theory of Propaganda by The Morbid Zoo on youtube

Murder

2026-06-04T22:25:48Z

The morning greets me as it always does, with magic.
The air, the birds, the sun, the peach blossoms.
They call to me like a siren's song.
I became so lost from my tea, so quickly.

I went back to the kitchen from the other side,
but I was locked out from the mud room door,
I saw my sad sad tea, getting boiled alive,
& I saw my reflection in the window, too late to save it.

Crystal Door

2026-06-04T22:25:48Z

A young child looked in the mirror,
He saw a child looking back.
Love overflowed though that mirror,
and the child felt his heart crack.

Nobody saw him like that before,
a world behind that crystal door,
a person on the other side,
that felt what he felt, & then he cried.

He knew he could not be a man.
He was not sad, but happy.
Man no longer happened to him.
Man was something that life happened.
& life happened him to not be one.

He just didn’t know it yet,
of the not-man that could be,
of the ain’t-her that might,
& of course of the fae that is.

And he knew that all it would take was to be.

To sit in the shade of the pine trees on a warm summer morning.
To eat an apple by a stream.
To walk til there was no path left,
then keep walking into the great unknown,
For the greatest path remains unwalked!

& when he went to bed @ night,
he closed his eyes,
& he saw me in the mirror.
I’d been waiting to find him.
& he’d been waiting to find me.

I think I can take care of him.
I hope that I’m enough.
I love that little boy.
More than most things.
I want that child to be safe & loved.

So I dusted out my heart. I made space for him to move in.
A fresh room, with a window over the bay.
“Just for you, my dear.” I say.
He looks @ me with all the imagination in the world, then climbs into bed, & drifts off to sleep.

I've been looking at this person in the mirror

2026-06-04T22:25:48Z

I've been looking at this person in the mirror. but I haven't taken any pictures of them. I've been constantly thinking about the subjectivity of gender and I'm gonna be honest, the more I detach myself from it, the happier I am.

It feels good to accept what I see

"I am whatever that is", I'll accept that I am that creature looking back at itself, 0.0000000061 seconds in the past. I could not predict the future, but I am in this moment, and the next time I look in a mirror the person looking back at me will be different.

Maybe another burn mark, maybe a haircut that the person writing this enjoys, maybe not. We all have things that we like and dislike about our bodies, and it's not fair to the person in your mirror if you do not accept them. There are things that we cannot change, and that is simply the bedrock of reality. Focus on the things that you can change, the person you could tangibly be.

And the person in the present will love the person in the mirror, because that is the only thing left to do.

~ Lewa

Everything is Impermanent

2026-06-04T22:25:48Z

Impermanence

Shortly following the release of Destiny 2, the playerbase had leveled their characters and collected some new shiny loot. Then the first raid for destiny 2 launched. It was called "The Leviathan". A massive white and gold ship with a mouth designed to devour small planets has entered the sol, approaching Nessus. An individual by the title Emperor Calus has created this vessel to grind planets down to dust to make galactic wine. He wears his hedonism on his sleeve. The entire ship is gold plated.

But if you read the lore books, you'll find that Calus had not simply stumbled upon being the emperor of a self sustaining loyalist faction surviving bountifully in deep space. The Sword from the raid titled "It Stared Back" has a lore tab, and it delivers a catalyst for why he started building his magnificent Empire.

Calus had been cast out of the society of his species with his loyalists and left to drift in space for eternity. But he found what he describes as "The Black Edge", and it stared back. In the story of destiny there are later clarifications as to what this black edge actually was, but I find the symbolism of a perfect black edge of darkness that you inevitably reach to be a powerful allegory for death. Meeting this darkness is what invigorated Calus to become the character that you actually meet as the final boss on the Leviathan. He welcomes and encourages you to explore his ship, fight his crew to the throne room and kill him. He's doing his best to smell the flowers.

Heat Death

Everything you've ever known or loved or hated will one day be dust. Every person you've ever known, all your thoughts and aspirations and emotions. It's all slowly drifting toward that infinite deep and there's no stopping it. Calus found a way to be somewhat immortal through some form of cloning and brain technology, but he too realized that he was just buying time for the inevitable. Calus decided that life is what you make of it, and he decided to make a lot.

This concept of an unavoidable end to everything is a real idea widely accepted by scientists of all kinds. It's called the "Heat Death of the Universe". The idea of a universal "heat death" is based on some very simple principles of physics. Firstly, the universe is expanding, and it shows no signs of stopping. And secondly, when two particles bump into one another, energy is transferred from one to the next. On a human scale, we recognize this idea as heat transfer. The idea is that slowly, over time, nothing will be able to escape the absolute dissolution of all heat and particles into a perfect, even layer that continues to spread out for infinity. The universe will be completely homogeneous, at least at the center. And then as time goes on, every particle and wave will be so far apart that there may as well be nothing at all.

Freedom

Do not allow loss to toy with your emotions. The nature of things is that you lose them. It is literally impossible to not lose something. It will happen one day or another. If someone gives you a gift and you lose it, do not worry! You were going to lose it one day regardless, whether that be tomorrow or the day you die.

Following the year one Destiny 2 release, an expansion later that year titled Curse of Osiris added a "raid lair" to the Leviathan. This meant new loot and that meant new lore tabs on the loot and thusly we get the entry; I am Alive. Calus has found purpose, and he is enjoying his bounty.

"How could I have missed this? It's the small moments, the simple pleasures that matter. They're all I can think about now. Food and drink aren't mere sustenance. They're a reminder that I am alive."

Calus is right. Some tell me that constant reminders of impermanence causes them to feel despair. I find no such despair in it. I treat my time like a budget, I only have so much of it and I get to spend it on whatever I want. Not only does this mentality free me from worry, but it allows me to make progress. Time can only move forward, you will never know all the variables, so don't let them control you. Be like Emperor Calus, smell the flowers. 🪻

Awakening

2026-06-04T22:25:48Z

I went to that sacred place to talk with the Earth
I talked and talked and cried and cried.

and then she showed me that glimmer of beauty,
that shining light parting through the clouds.

in that moment I knew there was hope,
I was struck by the heavens in the pit of despair.

I was loved by the world & I loved the world back,
the pain was not gone, but pain doesn't go away,
pain is just the feeling of a new growth,
the feeling of waking up from a nightmare.

The Monster

2026-06-04T22:25:48Z

The Monster creates
The Monster listens and waits
The Monster lies and decieves
The Monster is looking for a victim
The Monster is loooking for bloood
The Monster is looking for Me

The Angel is hurt
The Angel is hiding and crying
The Angel says "you don't have to do this"
The Angel says "You're crazy"
The Angel sees The Monster
The Monster found Me
You know what happened next

hello world

2026-06-04T22:25:48Z

Another day, another moon,
another week, another year,
another swallow, another loon,
another storm cloud to be feared.

The future is full of mystery,
but there are patterns in her wake.
To repeat is to stand atop the now,
the patterns are yours to make.

Luna will repeat again sometimes,
she has a lot to say.
Like a mother, she protects us,
even from our father on high.

On the other hand, our stoic father
chases her in silent desperation.
So hungry to be seen,
racing through the sky.

Our play is full of characters,
but we all have a role in this cosmic drama.

So I'll play my part, say my lines,
I'll scream & shout, I'll be surprised,
I'll fight villains & I'll save princesses.

I'll make this world a better place,
One scene at a time.

I’ll speak with the moon,
I'll dance with the sun,
I'll chat up the stars,
I'll sit on the rocks,
I will sow seeds.

Hello Luna, hello Sol.
Hello Matka, hello World.

What's the next scene? I'm ready.

for one brief magic moment

2026-06-04T22:25:48Z

I often feel bad, very often, in fact.
In fact, much of the time I spend breathing is spent feeling bad.

I want to feel better, I want to blossom and grow like I've been told I will.
But I'm stuck.
I'm stuck thinking about one brief magical moment.

that was the peak, I'd not felt better than that in my entire life,
and I am scared that I'll never feel it again, and then I am sad

for one brief magic moment
I was safe, I was warm
in the warmth of the sun
in the gaze of the moon
I was loved
for one brief magic moment

I don't know if that moment will ever come back
maybe I've felt the most I'll ever feel

~ Lewa 💚

fae love

2026-06-04T22:25:48Z

I've got a fairy tale. It concerns the people of the wood.
It tells of the land & the people in love.

The nymphs wandered through the spring openly,
basking in the reawakening of the great mother.

They watched, they listened & they felt.
The wet moss at the bottom of the stream bed,
the peepers & tree toads yapping away,
the birds filled the skies, serenading them as they forage.

Across the stream, through the meadow, & at the base of the mountain,
they picked the nettles and let their hands get stung,
they made peppermint tea together in the shade under a twig fire.

When they got too cold;
they would lay in the sun & blow cool kisses on eachother's necks.
& when they got too hot;
they would embrace in the wet shade of the moss patch.

they would sing with the birds
they would dance with the clouds,
they would run with the deer,
they would commune with the moon.

With no rules to follow, they were truly free.
It's too bad that freedom wasn't enough.

crying feels good

2026-06-04T22:25:48Z

crying feels good

crying let's me know that I am not an emotionless golem

crying let's me know I will be okay

I am safe when I cry

crying is when I feel the love of myself rushing in

crying is when I know that things are at their worst, and it's only uphill from here

crying says that life is not hopeless

crying says that this world sees me and that I am a part of it

crying is the best feeling there is

~ Lewa 💚

Unapparent

2026-06-04T22:25:48Z

I am beyond the imaginations of most
but in the possibility of the fabric is I

Many deny me, many hate me,
but none can destroy me.

I am the universe unfolding into infinity
and I am the beginning and the end of it all

I defy explanation and I am hated for it
I provoke the cowardly to combat

I sow seeds of interest and I am loved
I encourage the curious to explore

The space I enter is invaded
The space I carve out is stolen
The words I speak are treason

But I am whole,
and the forces against me, fractured
they cannot see me for what I am
that is why I am unapparent.

The Tick

2026-06-04T22:25:48Z

I just cut open a tick to watch it bleed.

Ticks are automatons.
Simple creatures with pre-programmed responses to stimuli.

There is nothing else in that little machine.

But part of me still wonders...
...where did the part that decided to crawl away with two legs missing ?
As I observe this creature try to crawl away from danger with two legs missing,
I wonder if it feels what I feel.
Trapped in a broken body,
forced to feel pain in a situation it has no control over.
Perhaps in the false hope that it may one day escape.

Is that where we go?
Away from the pain?

I am only on the precipice of understanding what’s happened to me.
Just like this tick with two legs missing.

Perhaps the only escape from pain is to say hello when it knocks.

To call out to the part of me that hurts & identify that it is indeed my back that aches,
or my toe that’s been stubbed,
or my heart that’s been broken.

Perhaps the answer is to accept that life is pain.

The Pain of the hurricane

2026-06-04T22:25:48Z

A storm is the result of an angry ocean,
tortured in the heat of the sun,
writhing in the pain of change,
screaming at the powers that be.

The Me that is I

2026-06-04T22:25:48Z

I want to speak my words & know they mean something.

I want to be understood,
I feel most @ peace when I know that others can see me.
Sometimes that other is me. Often it's me.

But that's okay,
because if the me that is I is not on my team,
then how could I live with myself?

The Birds Continue Singing

2026-06-04T22:25:48Z

The birds continue singing
deep down some part of me is garbled and screaming
The sun keeps setting
Every time I stop to think, I become paralyzed
The birds continue singing
If she couldn't love me, maybe I'm worthless
The trail remains unwalked
I'm hungry, but eating won't make me feel better
Another moon
often on the verge of tears but unable to let it out
The grass continues growing
I don't know what I want anymore
The raspberries continue tasting sweet
I'm scared
The birds continue singing

Take me into forever

2026-06-04T22:25:48Z

Take me into forever

I have split the atom of my mind’s eye,
the pieces lay before me

looking back on it always makes it seem easier than it was,
and looking forward always seems harder than it is

as I came to understand the components,
I discarded the pieces I’d prefer not to carry

words can’t describe the tonal peace I feel in my soul,
I now have direction, clarity, focus.

I stopped running away from the wolf chasing me, hiding from me in my shadow.
he is now my sled dog, taking me into forever.

There is no sense of being afraid of your shadow,
because your shadow is you,
and knowing oneself, is the door to everything.

~ Lewa 💚

Spring Unsprawling Backwards

2026-06-04T22:25:48Z

[!info] 🚧 This webpage is in beta! 🚧
I think it's done, and perhaps I'll do some more tweaking, but I think that this bitch is done, I guess.

Spring Unsprawling Backwards

It always starts with an emotion. I’ll pretend it’s not there, then it will get so loud that it’s screaming, & I’ll realize that I ain’t gone on a walk in a few days. I start walking, mulling it over, enjoying the sights, the sounds, the fresh spring foraging. Then a line in my head, if I love myself enough in that particular moment, I’ll write it down. But that’s just the spark, If you want to burn your fire hot; you gotta keep it alive. Keep feeding it words, feeling it out. Speak the words, listen to them, they will tell you what they wish to become. & before long, you get to witness the beauty of a flower of words blossom into something wonderful & unexpected. The pain of today is the poem of tomorrow!

There is beauty in the pain, but you've got to look for it! To be simultaneously staggered by one's finality, & in awe that it happened at all. Just like the pretty words bouncing around in my head, just like the plant that came from the seed, the human that came from the womb. And, if it were not for this poetry, I genuinely don't know how I could have coped with whatever the fuck my life even is.

Sometimes I feel like I can’t open up to anyone, even myself. That’s a really scary thing to feel. I don’t feel like I can talk to anyone other than a rock named Matka.

That’s sort of how this project was born. When I ended up jobless, I just planned the next week to be for writing, smoking weed & listening to David Berman. It was a good week, ‘bout half of the poems from this project were made in that one week period. This is not healthy art creation, please don't be like me, I have a mental disorder. I just knew that I needed to write some poems, and a lot of them, & spring has a wonderful way of sucking the words straight out of your skull with a straw. In fact, I’ve written about that too.

I’m going to include a couple essays about art that I like, one about Hamnet & another about David Berman. Please do enjoy them too if you like essays & art.

So without further ado, please enjoy Spring Unsprawling Backwards.

~ Lewa💚

Good Evening

Imagine how a fairy would feel

Plucked from the woods like a flower

Alone & afraid

"Get a job, make money, or starve."
"Do more of this, less of that."

My head still hurts from the pounding engines
The gasoline fumes make me cough.

My back aches from washing dishes
I can't get the bleach out of my fingers.

But what I'm worried about most is the forest...

I, without a forest to live in,
her, without a fae to live in within her,
we are one, wed together by fate & love.

So I clock out & I go to the woods.

Hoping to find crystal clear waters,
I find a dead fish.
Hoping to find the yarrow & ramps,
I find invasive garlic mustard.

What else was there to do but weep?

I don't text you

I go to work
I don't text you
I go home
I go for a hike
I don't text you
I lie in bed
I wake up, I do it all again
I live my life again
I don't text you

fae love

I've got a fairy tale. It concerns the people of the wood.
It tells of the land & the people in love.

The nymphs wandered through the spring openly,
basking in the reawakening of the great mother.

They watched, they listened & they felt.
The wet moss at the bottom of the stream bed,
the peepers & tree toads yapping away,
the birds filled the skies, serenading them as they forage.

Across the stream, through the meadow, & at the base of the mountain,
they picked the nettles and let their hands get stung,
they made peppermint tea together in the shade under a twig fire.

When they got too cold;
they would lay in the sun & blow cool kisses on eachother's necks.
& when they got too hot;
they would embrace in the wet shade of the moss patch.

they would sing with the birds
they would dance with the clouds,
they would run with the deer,
they would commune with the moon.

With no rules to follow, they were truly free.
It's too bad that freedom wasn't enough.

The Pain of the hurricane

A storm is the result of an angry ocean,
tortured in the heat of the sun,
writhing in the pain of change,
screaming at the powers that be.

Am I Ugly Yet?

Yes, yes, I'm aware.

I've got the hair of an angel,
the eyes of a fairy,
the height of an elf.

I'm told that I'm beautiful all the time.
I see it when they look me in the eye
they don't even need to say it.

I don't care.

What's the point of all this beauty if I still feel ugly on the inside?
To confuse me?
The prettier you are, the sadder you get.

So, I thought I'd fix that.

Here's a list of things that make me not beautiful, on the inside:

I've not maintained any sort of intimate relationship for more than a few months with the exception of a number of people I can count on one hand.
I've struggled my entire life with simple tasks like brushing my teeth twice a day.
I can barely manage to keep a job for more than a year.
Whenever a pretty girl flirts on me, I exit the conversation ASAP, with what I could only describe as a the most obvious faux politeness in the world. I've pretty girls have been flirting on me.
I have a hazy understanding on the nature of human relationships.
I constantly delve inward, hoping to find some sort of magic key to unlock the the car that is my life that is falling apart as we speak.
I also have a car that's falling apart.
I like reading psychology because I need to find out what's wrong with me & how to fix it.
I've always struggled to make friends, I have severe internal emotional sensitivity & will perceive rejection at every turn, because that is the only color by which I see things clearly.
My father died before I had a chance to become friends with him.
The person who gave birth to me is still convinced that she could be my friend in the same breath that she'll tell me that having a place to drink tea is a "false idol" & that it needs to go.
I'm sometimes surprised that I'm not suicidal.
I probably won't regret publishing this.

Can you stop flirting on me already?
Am I ugly yet?

A little here, a little there

A sight, a sound,
a feeling, a word.
a little here, a little there.

The leaves rustle, the wind roars
the birds fly, & the cats purr.
These words are hardly uncommon.

So what is it that makes the words unique?
is it the way you say them?
the order in which you write them?

All I know is that I’ve written a poem.

Lonely Cedar

And there I was, alone among the trees, or so I thought.

A quiet, almost imperceptible voice beckons me, I follow her.

Lonely wood moaning in pain, lonely wood wants to talk to me.

Lend me your ear, walking friend.

“I am here, mother,” I say, not sure with which wood I am conversing.

Oh, it pains me so! My roots grind against stone, the birds nip at my bark, my branches reach for sunlight that is out of reach!

I locate the tree calling my name. “What could I do for you, my dear?”

Please cut me down, I cannot bear it any longer. I wish to no longer feel pain.
I beg of thee. Destroy me & do what you wish with my corpse!

“I'm sorry you feel pain, I feel it too. My heart aches for another to love me, and so I hid in the woods so that I might not be found.”

Why would you do that? you could go anywhere, speak with anyone!

“I'm here with you, aren't I?”

But don't you wish for it to end? Don't you wish to be free from it's chains?

“To die is to simply delay the pain, whether we are born again or not. If I were to cut you down, another tree would take your place. Mayhaps a hickory or a walnut, but a new tree nevertheless.”

Silence in the trees.

Well, then I suppose that I am glad that you are here.

“I'm glad too, let us be in pain together, not so we are not alone, but only so.”

And we hugged, for a long time. And we both felt love in our open hearts.

Crystal Door

A young child looked in the mirror,
He saw a child looking back.
Love overflowed though that mirror,
and the child felt his heart crack.

Nobody saw him like that before,
a world behind that crystal door,
a person on the other side,
that felt what he felt, & then he cried.

He knew he could not be a man.
He was not sad, but happy.
Man no longer happened to him.
Man was something that life happened.
& life happened him to not be one.

He just didn’t know it yet,
of the not-man that could be,
of the ain’t-her that might,
& of course of the fae that is.

And he knew that all it would take was to be.

& when he went to bed @ night,
he closed his eyes,
& he saw me in the mirror.
I’d been waiting to find him.
& he’d been waiting to find me.

I think I can take care of him.
I hope that I’m enough.
I love that little boy.
More than most things.
I want that child to be safe & loved.

I can't believe I forgot

The most intimate thing I've ever done
is forget that you're here with me.

Thank you,
for every rebuttal never uttered,
every argument never settled,
every moment you chose to just be.

For every calmness is a mercy upon me.

The Me that is I

I want to speak my words & know they mean something.

I want to be understood,
I feel most @ peace when I know that others can see me.
Sometimes that other is me. Often it's me.

But that's okay,
because if the me that is I is not on my team,
then how could I live with myself?

Miles

Every day I wake up with a pebble in my shoe.
I feel pain while I walk, and I wonder what to do.

Every day I put my shoe on, and forget to pull it out.
Something is wrong, wrong without a doubt.

I cry in pain at night, it hurts so much!
I think, oh, what could it be?
And my tired shoe looks back at me,
hoping to be seen.

Lonely Night

Maybe tomorrow

Another barrage of the screeching voice, maybe tomorrow
Another attempt at pleasing that voice, maybe tomorrow
Another despair yearning inward, maybe tomorrow

And somewhere deep inside me a voice says one word;
“Walk.”

What choice do I really have?
And so I walked.
five miles, four Hours on the trail.
Go to bed on an empty stomach, maybe tomorrow.

The Birds Continue Singing

Let me ask you a riddle

I often wonder why I don't cry more
I was born a happy child
I feel so strongly, all the time

what am I?

I wonder why I didn't cry today
raised by someone with a piece missing
anger, sadness, grief, love, pain, hate

what am I?

I wonder why I'm not crying now.
I feel like I have a piece missing
I feel alone

what am I?

Ghost

So there I am, just doin’ my thing.

on Sunday morn’, spreadin’ my wings
on Saturday I write & read,
& on Monday I cease to believe
that you’ve ever truly seen me.

why can't you see me?
why not? why not?

no longer myself, I'm not around,
I rack my brain, just wanna be found.
and here I stand, a fool again
waiting for you @ the river bend

why can't you see me?
why not? why not?

Every day I wake up cold and stressed,
the other children have been blessed,
someone to love them, that's all you need,
but I didn't get it, why not, why not?

why can’t you see me?
am i a ghost?
am i even real?
have you ever felt,
how I really feel?

why can't you see me?
why not? why not?

Beauty & Pain in love

Sometimes I wonder why I do this

What keeps the machine running?

Surely it's something.

I feel like I'm doing something

Whatever this is.

Whatever is sneaking to the most remote places I have access to,
& writing things like this.

Then I think about why I did anything before this,
& I remember my best friends.

& before that,
it was walking in the woods.

& before that,
it was catching frogs in the stream,

& before that, it was the kind embrace of the birdsong in the trees.

At the core of it all, there has always been beauty.

I remember,

I remember that there is hope because there is beauty.

They always go together somehow.

I'm sorry for being weird

I know it's fucked up to say,
But I created a lover in my head,
she never went away,

& you came and filled her place,
I was overcome with glee,
so ready to wed you,
didn't notice what that said about me.

can't break a heart that's already broken,
unlock a door refusing to open,
mend a pot two times shattered
climb up a broken ladder.

Oh Darlin'
You didn't hurt me.
I was already broken.

I really am sorry for the things I've said & done
so sorry to the both of us for the hurt I've become
I hope you can forgive me, for the things I've said & done
please forgive me for the hurt I've become

Oh Darlin'
I'm sorry.
My broken heart couldn't love you.
I'm sorry for being weird.

That hole in my chest

Every bad decision.

It always starts with that hole inside me.

That emptiness is terrifying, isn't it?

To have no way to escape it?

So I try to ignore it...

... & it keeps chanting

"Feed mmeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee."

And you wanna know what I get for feeding it?

The hole gets bigger.

& I get smaller.

and the hole gets hungrier.

Awakening

I went to that sacred place to talk with the Earth
I talked and talked and cried and cried.

and then she showed me that glimmer of beauty,
that shining light parting through the clouds.

in that moment I knew there was hope,
I was struck by the heavens in the pit of despair.

I was loved by the world & I loved the world back,
the pain was not gone, but pain doesn't go away,
pain is just the feeling of a new growth,
the feeling of waking up from a nightmare.

Good Morning

hello world

Another day, another moon,
another week, another year,
another swallow, another loon,
another storm cloud to be feared.

The future is full of mystery,
but there are patterns in her wake.
To repeat is to stand atop the now,
the patterns are yours to make.

Luna will repeat again sometimes,
she has a lot to say.
Like a mother, she protects us,
even from our father on high.

On the other hand, our stoic father
chases her in silent desperation.
So hungry to be seen,
racing through the sky.

Our play is full of characters,
but we all have a role in this cosmic drama.

So I'll play my part, say my lines,
I'll scream & shout, I'll be surprised,
I'll fight villains & I'll save princesses.

I'll make this world a better place,
One scene at a time.

I’ll speak with the moon,
I'll dance with the sun,
I'll chat up the stars,
I'll sit on the rocks,
I will sow seeds.

Hello Luna, hello Sol.
Hello Matka, hello World.

What's the next scene? I'm ready.

Murder

The morning greets me as it always does, with magic.
The air, the birds, the sun, the peach blossoms.
They call to me like a siren's song.
I became so lost from my tea, so quickly.

I went back to the kitchen from the other side,
but I was locked out from the mud room door,
I saw my sad sad tea, getting boiled alive,
& I saw my reflection in the window, too late to save it.

The Tick

I just cut open a tick to watch it bleed.

Ticks are automatons.
Simple creatures with pre-programmed responses to stimuli.

There is nothing else in that little machine.

Is that where we go?
Away from the pain?

I am only on the precipice of understanding what’s happened to me.
Just like this tick with two legs missing.

Perhaps the only escape from pain is to say hello when it knocks.

To call out to the part of me that hurts & identify that it is indeed my back that aches,
or my toe that’s been stubbed,
or my heart that’s been broken.

Perhaps the answer is to accept that life is pain.

I am as the spring

I am unknowable to myself.

I’m all a lie,
and yet I have substance.

I'm all fucked up inside,
and I still somehow get up and go.

I am both here & somewhere else.
I am dying and yet I'm alive.

I am as the sun soaked trees against the gray cloudy sky.
I am as the grass, cut down, only to release that sweet smell into the air.
I am as the sunshine on the water in even the deepest oceans.
I am as the horizon, stretching off into the unseen.

Unknowable to myself, unknowing of the world that churns.
I won't pretend I have answers.
All I've got is questions.

I don't know where I am.
I don't know where I'm going.
I don't know who I am.

I am a traveler in a foreign land without a map,
I am fractured between the infinite paths forward.

I am as the spring,
unspawling backwards, uncontrollably & blindly,
into the infinite dead space I was born in,
doomed to stumble blindly in the dark.

To wallow in the shadows, again & again.
And after all that,
to be reborn in the light of the sun.

Growing when I am warmest,
Cherishing my moments underneath the life-giver as blessings.

Thriving where I am safest,
and there's no safer place than a back lawn on a warm summer day.

And of course, lastly;
stumbling into the dark,
where I'll remain alone & confused,
till I inevitably fall back into the light.

crying feels good

crying let's me know that I am not an emotionless golem

crying let's me know I will be okay

I am safe when I cry

crying is when I feel the love of myself rushing in

crying is when I know that things are at their worst, and it's only uphill from here

crying says that life is not hopeless

crying says that this world sees me and that I am a part of it

crying is the best feeling there is

~ Lewa 💚

It's okay

no, it's okay,
I just have mental illness,
that is why I did that thing
that don’t matter at all.

that is why I did that thing
that don't matter at all.
I just have mental illness,
I promise I’m okay.

NOT A GIRL

2026-06-04T22:25:48Z

NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL NOT A GIRL

~ Lewa 💚

Moss Thief

2026-06-04T22:25:48Z

Moss Thief

I would get lost in her eyes the most
her voice an ocean of intoxicating clouds
her locks guiding me
from her neck
to her lips
to those eyes
I’d let those hungry eyes consume me
I could spend years wondering
I could spend a lifetime chasing those eyes

but I won't
after all, it’s awfully embarrassing to be burgled
she got her moss, I have plenty of it
I wanted to give her a forest full of it
but I won’t

and one evening
those eyes wanted my moss
and just like that
she took my moss
I let her take it, I'd do anything for those eyes
I helped her steal my moss from me
but not anymore

~ Lewa 💚

Miles

2026-06-04T22:25:48Z

Every day I wake up with a pebble in my shoe.
I feel pain while I walk, and I wonder what to do.

Every day I put my shoe on, and forget to pull it out.
Something is wrong, wrong without a doubt.

I cry in pain at night, it hurts so much!
I think, oh, what could it be?
And my tired shoe looks back at me,
hoping to be seen.

Maybe tomorrow

2026-06-04T22:25:48Z

Another barrage of the screeching voice, maybe tomorrow
Another attempt at pleasing that voice, maybe tomorrow
Another despair yearning inward, maybe tomorrow

And somewhere deep inside me a voice says one word;
“Walk.”

What choice do I really have?
And so I walked.
five miles, four Hours on the trail.
Go to bed on an empty stomach, maybe tomorrow.

Loss

2026-06-04T22:25:48Z

Sometimes I write a whole poem in my head.

I’ll be stuck @ work,
unable to actually write it down,
& I’ll think up the whole thing.

Sometimes I remember bits & pieces...
... If I have the time to memorize it.

...

But for every line I memorize...
...another one slips through the cracks.

Lonely Cedar

2026-06-04T22:25:48Z

And there I was, alone among the trees, or so I thought.

A quiet, almost imperceptible voice beckons me, I follow her.

Lonely wood moaning in pain, lonely wood wants to talk to me.

Lend me your ear, walking friend.

“I am here, mother,” I say, not sure with which wood I am conversing.

Oh, it pains me so! My roots grind against stone, the birds nip at my bark, my branches reach for sunlight that is out of reach!

I locate the tree calling my name. “What could I do for you, my dear?”

Please cut me down, I cannot bear it any longer. I wish to no longer feel pain.
I beg of thee. Destroy me & do what you wish with my corpse!

“I'm sorry you feel pain, I feel it too. My heart aches for another to love me, and so I hid in the woods so that I might not be found.”

Why would you do that? you could go anywhere, speak with anyone!

“I'm here with you, aren't I?”

But don't you wish for it to end? Don't you wish to be free from it's chains?

“To die is to simply delay the pain, whether we are born again or not. If I were to cut you down, another tree would take your place. Mayhaps a hickory or a walnut, but a new tree nevertheless.”

Silence in the trees.

Well, then I suppose that I am glad that you are here.

“I'm glad too, let us be in pain together, not so we are not alone, but only so.”

And we hugged, for a long time. And we both felt love in our open hearts.

Lewa's Poetry

2026-06-04T22:25:48Z

Name	Tags	Title
A creature in the mirror	note, poem, Writing
A little here, a little there	note, Writing, poem, springUnsprawlingBackwards	A little here, a little there
Am I Ugly Yet?	note, Writing, poem, springUnsprawlingBackwards	Am I ugly yet?
Awakening	note, Writing, poem, springUnsprawlingBackwards	Awakening
Beauty & Pain in love	note, Writing, poem, springUnsprawlingBackwards	Beauty & Pain in love
crying feels good	note, poem, springUnsprawlingBackwards
Crystal Door	note, Writing, poem, springUnsprawlingBackwards	Crystal Door
Dear Luna	note, poem
fae love	note, Writing, poem, springUnsprawlingBackwards	fae love
for one brief magic moment	note, poem, Art
Ghost	note, Writing, poem, springUnsprawlingBackwards	Ghost
hello world	note, Writing, poem, springUnsprawlingBackwards	hello world
High Cheekbones	note, Writing, poem, springUnsprawlingBackwards	High Cheekbones
I am as the spring	note, Writing, poem, springUnsprawlingBackwards	I am as the spring
I can't believe I forgot	note, Writing, poem, springUnsprawlingBackwards	I can't believe I forgot
I don't text you	note, Writing, poem, springUnsprawlingBackwards	I don't text you
I wish you could kiss me	note, poem, Writing
I'm sorry for being weird	note, Writing, poem, springUnsprawlingBackwards	I'm sorry for being weird
Imagine how a fairy would feel	note, Writing, poem, springUnsprawlingBackwards	Imagine how a fairy would feel
It's okay	note, Writing, poem, springUnsprawlingBackwards	it's okay
Let me ask you a riddle	note, poem, springUnsprawlingBackwards
Lewa's Poetry	note, poem
Lonely Cedar	note, poem, Writing, nature, springUnsprawlingBackwards
Loss	note, Writing, poem, springUnsprawlingBackwards
Maybe tomorrow	note, Writing, poem, springUnsprawlingBackwards
Miles	note, Writing, poem, springUnsprawlingBackwards
Moss Thief	note, poem, Writing
Murder	note, Writing, poem, Tea, springUnsprawlingBackwards	Murder
NOT A GIRL	note, poem, Writing
Spring Unsprawling Backwards	note, Writing, poem, springUnsprawlingBackwards	Spring Unsprawling Backwards
Spring Unsprawling Backwards	note, springUnsprawlingBackwards, poem
Take me into forever	note, poem, Writing, Pyschology
The Birds Continue Singing	note, poem, Writing, springUnsprawlingBackwards
The Me that is I	note, Writing, poem, springUnsprawlingBackwards	The Me that is I
The Monster	note, poem, Writing, TheMonster
The Pain of the hurricane	note, poem, Writing, springUnsprawlingBackwards	The Pain of the hurricane
The Tick	note, Writing, poem, springUnsprawlingBackwards	The Tick
Unapparent	note, poem, Writing

Poems

Lonely Cedar

And there I was, alone among the trees, or so I thought.

A quiet, almost imperceptible voice beckons me, I follow her.

Lonely wood moaning in pain, lonely wood wants to talk to me.

Lend me your ear, walking friend.

“I am here, mother,” I say, not sure with which wood I am conversing.

Oh, it pains me so! My roots grind against stone, the birds nip at my bark, my branches reach for sunlight that is out of reach!

I locate the tree calling my name. “What could I do for you, my dear?”

Please cut me down, I cannot bear it any longer. I wish to no longer feel pain.
I beg of thee. Destroy me & do what you wish with my corpse!

“I'm sorry you feel pain, I feel it too. My heart aches for another to love me, and so I hid in the woods so that I might not be found.”

Why would you do that? you could go anywhere, speak with anyone!

“I'm here with you, aren't I?”

But don't you wish for it to end? Don't you wish to be free from it's chains?

“To die is to simply delay the pain, whether we are born again or not. If I were to cut you down, another tree would take your place. Mayhaps a hickory or a walnut, but a new tree nevertheless.”

Silence in the trees.

Well, then I suppose that I am glad that you are here.

“I'm glad too, let us be in pain together, not so we are not alone, but only so.”

And we hugged, for a long time. And we both felt love in our open hearts.

Unapparent

I am beyond the imaginations of most
but in the possibility of the fabric is I

Many deny me, many hate me,
but none can destroy me.

I am the universe unfolding into infinity
and I am the beginning and the end of it all

I defy explanation and I am hated for it
I provoke the cowardly to combat

I sow seeds of interest and I am loved
I encourage the curious to explore

The space I enter is invaded
The space I carve out is stolen
The words I speak are treason

But I am whole,
and the forces against me, fractured
they cannot see me for what I am
that is why I am unapparent.

Take me into forever

I have split the atom of my mind’s eye,
the pieces lay before me

looking back on it always makes it seem easier than it was,
and looking forward always seems harder than it is

as I came to understand the components,
I discarded the pieces I’d prefer not to carry

words can’t describe the tonal peace I feel in my soul,
I now have direction, clarity, focus.

I stopped running away from the wolf chasing me, hiding from me in my shadow.
he is now my sled dog, taking me into forever.

There is no sense of being afraid of your shadow,
because your shadow is you,
and knowing oneself, is the door to everything.

~ Lewa 💚

A creature in the mirror

Awaken,

open your eyes.

Breathe in, Breath out.

Remove covering of warmth and add another.

Stand.

Walk.

Clean.

Walk.

Look,

Look into the mirror.

What do you see?

I see a creature.

What do you see?

I see a creature.

The Monster

The Monster creates
The Monster listens and waits
The Monster lies and decieves
The Monster is looking for a victim
The Monster is loooking for bloood
The Monster is looking for Me

The Angel is hurt
The Angel is hiding and crying
The Angel says "you don't have to do this"
The Angel says "You're crazy"
The Angel sees The Monster
The Monster found Me
You know what happened next

Moss Thief

but I won't
after all, it’s awfully embarrassing to be burgled
she got her moss, I have plenty of it
I wanted to give her a forest full of it
but I won’t

and one evening
those eyes wanted my moss
and just like that
she took my moss
I let her take it, I'd do anything for those eyes
I helped her steal my moss from me
but not anymore

~ Lewa 💚

NOT A GIRL

~ Lewa 💚

The Birds Continue Singing

Dear Luna

Dear Luna,

Last time I saw you I wished for everything to be okay
And once again, like the sparkle in the eyes of a pretty girl; I believed you
Just like anyone else, I wonder if you’re listening
Just like anyone else, I wonder if you care
I felt safe when you were with me, and alone when you went away
I felt hope when I spoke to you, and despair when I saw you again
because there’s still something broken on the inside
because I still feel lost, I still feel enchanted by you, I still feel hurt.

goodbye Luna, see you next month

~ Lewa <3

crying feels good

crying let's me know that I am not an emotionless golem

crying let's me know I will be okay

I am safe when I cry

crying is when I feel the love of myself rushing in

crying is when I know that things are at their worst, and it's only uphill from here

crying says that life is not hopeless

crying says that this world sees me and that I am a part of it

crying is the best feeling there is

~ Lewa 💚

for one brief magic moment

I often feel bad, very often, in fact.
In fact, much of the time I spend breathing is spent feeling bad.

I want to feel better, I want to blossom and grow like I've been told I will.
But I'm stuck.
I'm stuck thinking about one brief magical moment.

that was the peak, I'd not felt better than that in my entire life,
and I am scared that I'll never feel it again, and then I am sad

for one brief magic moment
I was safe, I was warm
in the warmth of the sun
in the gaze of the moon
I was loved
for one brief magic moment

I don't know if that moment will ever come back
maybe I've felt the most I'll ever feel

~ Lewa 💚

Let me ask you a riddle

I often wonder why I don't cry more
I was born a happy child
I feel so strongly, all the time

what am I?

I wonder why I didn't cry today
raised by someone with a piece missing
anger, sadness, grief, love, pain, hate

what am I?

I wonder why I'm not crying now.
I feel like I have a piece missing
I feel alone

what am I?

I've been looking at this person in the mirror

It feels good to accept what I see

And the person in the present will love the person in the mirror, because that is the only thing left to do.

~ Lewa

Let me ask you a riddle

2026-06-04T22:25:48Z

Let me ask you a riddle

I often wonder why I don't cry more
I was born a happy child
I feel so strongly, all the time

what am I?

I wonder why I didn't cry today
raised by someone with a piece missing
anger, sadness, grief, love, pain, hate

what am I?

I wonder why I'm not crying now.
I feel like I have a piece missing
I feel alone

what am I?

It's okay

2026-06-04T22:25:48Z

no, it's okay,
I just have mental illness,
that is why I did that thing
that don’t matter at all.

that is why I did that thing
that don't matter at all.
I just have mental illness,
I promise I’m okay.

Imagine how a fairy would feel

2026-06-04T22:25:48Z

Plucked from the woods like a flower

Alone & afraid

"Get a job, make money, or starve."
"Do more of this, less of that."

My head still hurts from the pounding engines
The gasoline fumes make me cough.

My back aches from washing dishes
I can't get the bleach out of my fingers.

But what I'm worried about most is the forest...

I, without a forest to live in,
her, without a fae to live in within her,
we are one, wed together by fate & love.

So I clock out & I go to the woods.

Hoping to find crystal clear waters,
I find a dead fish.
Hoping to find the yarrow & ramps,
I find invasive garlic mustard.

What else was there to do but weep?

I'm sorry for being weird

2026-06-04T22:25:48Z

I know it's fucked up to say,
But I created a lover in my head,
she never went away,

& you came and filled her place,
I was overcome with glee,
so ready to wed you,
didn't notice what that said about me.

can't break a heart that's already broken,
unlock a door refusing to open,
mend a pot two times shattered
climb up a broken ladder.

Oh Darlin'
You didn't hurt me.
I was already broken.

Oh Darlin'
I'm sorry.
My broken heart couldn't love you.
I'm sorry for being weird.

I wish you could kiss me

2026-06-04T22:25:48Z

I've been left here thinking
about the next time I'll see you

and I’ve been left here waiting
for that moment to arrive

so until that moment
I’ll be wishing you could kiss me